Wednesday, June 30, 2004

The Cheating Bastards!

Apparently these days, university students copy from the internet and present it as their own work.

How surprising is that!

A "hi-tech" answer to this (crudely, Googling the text) is surely doomed to failure.

I tried to copy here a link to the Plagiarism Advisory Service.

They wouldn't let me.

Monday, June 28, 2004

How Barbaric Are We?

On Saturday, we went to a Pig Roast. It was in aid of the Lifeboats even though it was held in land-locked Chorleywood. One wonders whether the Lifeboats would save a drowning pig. It seems not.

The sight of an entire pig, complete with head, trotters and tail, body fat dripping, being turned over an open fire, was frankly repulsive. I'm not a vegetarian, but much prefer buying my pork in Tesco, in smaller lumps, packaged in polystyrene and cellophane. That way you can easily believe that it was never alive in the first place.

But honestly, seeing it there, skewer up its arse, they might as well have paraded the thing on a lead beforehand before ceremoniously killing it.

It tasted good though.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Frayed at the Edges

A few George Crosses were still trailing out of car windows this morning. By the roundabout one lay listless, detached from its moorings, unretrieved, unwanted. From the look of it, it had suffered one motorway mile too many: plastic snapped, frayed at the edges.

Monday, June 21, 2004

My Obsession

I need to justify my obsession for Jake Thackray songs. The need to justify is itself an obsession. I know others don't see it, but that doesn't stop me.

I learned The Kiss this weekend.

"Fresh from the slaughterhouse the crimson butcher ran; steam around his shoulders and a cleaver still in his hand"


Jogger's Nipple

I went running yesterday in a pristine white T shirt. At least it was pristine when I set off. When I returned my wife thought I'd been shot through the heart. My left nipple was bleeding.

I'd heard about Jogger's Nipple, but never experienced it.

Could there be a market for sports bras for blokes?

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

More Public Money

I know GCHQ is big. I know they use lots of computers, but for heavens sake, four hundred and fifty million quid is surely a bit much just to move their computers from the old building (the other side of town) to the new. They obviously thought so too, as the original estimate was a mere £20 million.

Who shall resign over this heap of incompetence?

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Good Job

It seems that most fellow bloggers are politically aware and, on balance, pro-European. They all seem to agree that Kilroy-Silk is a bit of a shit.

It's hard to disagree with this, even though I don't know the bloke. I also don't know where I stand on Europe. I like Europe. I like the Frenchness of France; the Italian-ness of Italy. I'd like not to have the bother of getting special money when I go there.

Anyway, back to RKS. Hasn't he got the best job ever?

Ironically, the UKIP "members" have been elected to a parliament that they want nothing to do with. Their job, as they see it, is to "wreck" proceedings. How great is that?

It conjures up images of The Bash Street Kids, pea-shooters, paper aeroplanes and loud raspberry noises.

Invisibility Cloak

Susumu Tachi claims to have invented an Invisibility Cloak.

If you could borrow it for just one day, what would you use it for?

Thursday, June 10, 2004

The Shed

What you've been waiting for. Here's a picture of my shed taken by my trusty phone camera. Groovy eh?

State of the Ark that crashes twice a day

I see that our taxes are being well spent on Big Boys' War Toys.

I was amused at the following line:

"The new ship is also controlled by state-of-the-art computers using a Windows NT operating system"

Oh dear!

Isn't it about time Windows NT was renamed Windows OT?

Monday, June 07, 2004

Free Helicopter Ride

My idiot son came back from Lourdes on Friday. The school said it would be good for his soul if he spent time pushing some terminally-ill people about in wheelchairs. I had my doubts.

He had a massive hypo on a mountain. They called out the Air-Ambulance. The air-paramedics brought him round and gave the air-head a lift back down, doubtless to the envy of his classmates.

Despite being a confirmed atheist, he brought back copious quantities of holy-water in un-holy looking plastic bottles; "only three Euros for a big bottle". Pillock!

He sent some small bottles to my Mum.

She put some on her head.

My Dad has just lost the sight in one of his eyes.

He put some on his eye.

Forgive me for being cynical.

Friday, June 04, 2004

We're All Doomed

Being a pessimistic bastard, I believe climate change will be the undoing of us all (if war or disease doesn't get us first).

This explains why, despite the many supposed alien visitations to cranks in places like Iowa, we have not made contact with other intelligent life forms in the Universe.

It's because, with all life forms, the discovery of communications technology is followed, a nanosecond later (in cosmological time), by self-destruction. They all either blow themselves up, poison themselves, or bugger their own environment. Stable, intelligent life forms just can't happen. A Universal Rule.

Still, we carry on. Ignore it and it might go away.