Wednesday, March 30, 2005

A Bum Show

We live out in the sticks.

A neighbour came to see me (he lives a couple of hundred yards down the lane).

He was in a bad mood. A very bad mood.

He has lots of money and has tried (but failed) to get rid of it by buying up half of Gloucestershire. Consequently, he has bought the lane and extended the acreage of his "estate". There is a footpath through his land, but nobody seems to know exactly where.

It seems that my 18 year old daughter and her boyfriend were walking through his land in the wrong place. He tried to remonstrate with them, without success, and then it happened...

My daughter's boyfriend dropped his trousers and showed him his arse.

You can imagine, I was shocked. The poor chap was incandescent with rage. He has called the police, but though it may be included in the crime statistics, so far Mr Plod hasn't turned up.

I thought that perhaps it might help if we all went to meet my neighbour so that he could show us his arse. It might provide him with some solace by way of compensation.

I thought about it, but didn't suggest it.

Instead, I said I'd have words.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

What Freedom?

So much for Freedom of Information.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

A Fart in a Thunderstorm

You may not know or realise, but the oil is running out. Soon there will be one mother of an oil crisis. This one will be different.

This one won't go away.

I live on the top of a windy hill. I think I'll erect a bloody great windmill to power the house.

Even though it will just be a fart in a thunderstorm.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Eye Test

I have Type 2 Diabetes (non-insulin dependent).

Yesterday I had my annual eye test. The eyes are often the first to suffer from unregulated blood sugar. Some time ago, I stuck a screwdriver in my left eye. Since then the sight in it has been poor. This is what happened at the test:

"Use this device to cover your left eye and read the last line of letters on the chart."

"X D J N B"

"OK, fine. Now swap around and cover your right eye and read the row but from right to left."

"The same letters?"

"Yes, the same letters, but from right to left."

"But they're only five of them and I can remember what they were. My left eye is rubbish. I couldn't read a bloody single letter if I hadn't already read them a few seconds ago."

"The same letters please."

"OK, B N J D X"

Sometimes I think the NHS lacks scientific rigour.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Attractive Chewing Gum

I used to take a dim view of girls chewing gum.

Not any longer.

I wonder if there's a male equivalent to enhance another part of the anatomy?

P.S. broadband now working. Pictures of naked women load really quickly.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Phone Experience

It turns out that the apparent coincidence mentioned yesterday (both phones ringing simultaneously from the same caller) wasn't a coincidence after all. There's a technical explanation to do with call centres that I won't bore you with. If you want to know, email me.

The Buttered Turnip rang again saying we should definitely get broadband by next week "at the latest".

Well there's something.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Spooky Coincidence

Coincidences are, by definition, unlikely happenings.

However, it seems to me that if there weren't any, that would be an even unlikelier happening, so perhaps coincidences aren't coincidences after all.

The other night, at the same instant, both my mobile phone and my home phone rang. I answered the mobile and my wife answered the home phone.

They were both Kwik Fit the tyre people.

I had four tyres fitted on my car: two on the Saturday at the Cirencester Branch and two at the Chipping Sodbury branch the following Thursday. They were both calling to conduct a "customer satisfaction survey".

We both told them to "fuck off" (not in so many words) as we were having tea, and we, as customers, would be a lot more satisfied if we weren't interrupted by pointless phone calls at teatime.

Saint Paddy

How great it must be to be Irish. So many Americans, though they have never been there, have thoroughly Irish roots. God bless 'em.

Saint Patrick was a great bloke. I'll tell you why. He killed all the snakes in Ireleand, that's why. I was brought up a Roman Catholic, and St Patrick was a top man; much more top than George or Andrew. Whenever you saw his statue (and there were lots of them), he was always standing on a snake, crushing the slimey little bleeder underfoot. You can now visit Ireland without fear of snakes, and all thanks to him.

I live near Cheltenham and the Irish now swell the coffers of all the hostelries for miles around. Tonight is "Half Irish" night at the club, so I have to sing a Half Irish song.

Shouldn't be difficult.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Broadband

A man up a pole doth not a broadband make

The Buttered Turnip, for the fisrt time ever, contacted us last week. They said they needed to renew a bit of wire. It had "gone out to contract" and should be done some time this week.

Still no broadband.

Another man was up the pole yesterday. I think they must climb them for fun; like the monkeys in the zoo.

Michael Jackson

What's all this about? Some kind of adult abuse?

Why are they doing this to such a self-tormeted soul when there is no possibility of a conviction?

They're all mad.

Monday, March 14, 2005

A Woman's View

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Bum Scanner

My friend G has just acquired a scanner and is threatening to post a picture of his bum. (I sincerely hope not).

I have one (a scanner that is, not a bum - well I DO have a bum as well as a scanner, but it's a scanner that I meant) and it has just stopped working and I can't get it going again.

Bum scanner.

This reminds me of our office photocopier. It was quite a flashy one and was able to automatically copy both sides of piece of paper. It had a little LCD screen informing of progress. When it was copying the first side, it said: "Copying front side". When copying the other side, it said, you guessed it: "Copying back side".

Great for office parties!

Friday, March 11, 2005

Time to March on The Streets

Alfred The OK has been asking questions which need an answer.

I intended to post a comment to him, but for some reason, the technology is not working at the moment.

How come there's a Welsh Tourist Board and a Scottish Tourist Board, but not an English Tourist Board?

Yes that's right, it's been disbanded.

Why is there a Welsh National Anthem and a Scottish National anthem, but not an English National Anthem?

Why is there a Welsh National Assembly, a Scottish Parliament, but not an English Parliament or Assembly?

A conspiracy is at work. That's why.

Read this for a poor excuse of an answer.

There's Nobody There

A couple of months ago, I bought a computer game for my son. It was called Cima: The Enemy (bought for self-evident reasons). The product seems genuine, but it may be counterfeit, because today I received this email from eBay:

Dear Anthony Cima (tony.cima@honeyend.com),

The following listing:

8163056533 - NEW*GBA/SP: CIMA: The Enemy

was removed because the intellectual property rights owner notified eBay that the listing potentially infringes its copyright, trademark or other rights. Due to this claim, and the fact that the feedback system is no longer available, we strongly urge you not to complete this transaction.

You can get more information on eBay's cooperation with intellectual property rights owners at:

http://pages.ebay.com/help/confidence/programs-vero-ov.html

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding in this issue.

Regards,

Customer Support (Trust and Safety Department)
eBay Inc


I replied to the email as follows:

Dear sir,

I hope someone reads this.

You sent the email below on 11th March 2005 asking me not to complete the affected transaction.

The auction for this item ended some time ago (I don't know exactly as you have removed the listing).

I paid for the item immediately, have received the goods and have received, and posted positive feedback.

If there is anything fraudulent about the goods or this transaction, I want to actively pursue this even if it involves returning the goods without compensation.

PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL OR I WON'T BUY ANYTHING FROM EBAY EVER AGAIN.


My hunch is that my relationship with eBay will be ending soon, as I don't think anybody will read my email (I have received an automatic reply).

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Shoot To Kill Policy

We in the ee arr ay arrr opposed to violence, but for this haynus crame we'll gladly shoot the hayd off ourr member so help us we will

Up The Arse

After Chelsea's breathtaking performance last night. Let's hope Arsenal do as well today.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Driving Ambition

I took my daughter for her first driving lesson.

It's amazing how much is involved in a simple task that one carries out without apparently thinking.

The middle one's the brake, and on no account must you press it with your left foot.

That's the indicator switch. You have to press it up to indicate right.


I have to say I enjoyed it. My main concern is not getting her into bad habits. I have quite a short list of these:

  • Not looking over your shoulder before you pull away
  • Crossing your arms when you turn the wheel (a definite no-no for some reason)
  • Signalling before you mirror, or worse manoevering before you signal
  • Unprotected sex
  • Crashing

That kind of thing.

Come to think of it, that's a good motto for life: stave off the bad habits.

I've bought a book to help (not about unprotected sex obviously, that was a joke).

Contrite Reply

Here is the email reply from BT. I shouldn't call them Bastard Tossers. Please excuse my outburst. It was in the heat of the moment.

We still have no Broadband, so the reply doesn't 'butter any parsnips' as my aunt would say. Maybe BT stands for Buttered Turnips. Yes, I like that better.

From the Buttered Turnip Customer Contact Centre:

I am very sorry to hear about the problems you have been experiencing and I completely understand your frustration on this matter. It should have been communicated to you that more engineering work needed to be carried out at your exchange and I hope that broadband will be available to you as quickly as possible.

Once broadband has been activated, please contact me again and I will arrange for the days you have been charged for broadband when the service was unavailable to be refunded to you. I will also arrange to refund the cost of the premium rate call once this appears on your next bill. Once again, please accept my sincerest apologies for the problems you have experienced and thank you for your patience in this matter.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Bastard Tossers

BT: Bastard Tossers.

I ordered Broadband from BT. It seemed the right thing to do. They have my dial-up account and could change the billing arrangements in one fell swoop. We were given the 2nd March for completion. It still says this on the Bastard Tossers' website.

A man appeared and climbed up the pole in the road. We talked to him. He was doing work for our Broadband connection (something to do with a line shared with next door). Very encouraging

The 2nd March was very snowy in Cimaland, but the software and modem package came on the 3rd. All very encouraging.

Could we get the bastard thing to work?

Could we buggery!

I changed cables, bought new phone extension cables, changed microfilters, moved computer, brought in "expert" mates, all to no avail. I called the 50p/minute helpline. It took about ten minutes to go through all the stuff for them to tell me to call the freefone number to check "installation status".

Have you tried calling the Bastard Tossers' Broadband freefone help line? Don't bother! Digital Dorothy was saying "you're in a queue" for so long, the battery went flat in our phone. They answered the premium rate line immediately. Funny that.

Eventually we are told, today, that we don't yet have Broadband to our house. A technical problem apparently. As of today, we don't have a date for connection.

Brilliant!

I've wasted hours on this. Bastard Tossers run a phone company. You'd have thought they could have called me.

I've written a stiff complaint. If this goes on, I'll do the British thing and get very cross indeed.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Losing Grip

I'm losing grip.

I've just had an irate letter from the car tax people reminding me that I haven't had any road tax since November. I hadn't noticed.

The man from the garage rang me to say that my lovely new car won't pass the MOT because there are so many things wrong with it. It can't be as bad as that. Surely a thick wallet will sort it out?

Also, I lost grip today in the snow. Bus didn't turn up. I'm snowbound at home, and today the BT man is supposed to be coming to give us broadband, so maybe I'll get cut off any second.

Maybe he won't turn up.