Thursday, April 28, 2005

A First Time Experience

I went to the Pox Doctors yesterday.

Yes, the VD clinic; the clinic for STD (I thought that was something to do with telephones).

The company I work for sells computers into the NHS. Normally, these go to regular hospitals. This system though, is for a number of clinics in north London including one by Kings Cross station exclusively for sex workers.

"Do you mean prostitutes?" I asked

"Well yes, but they don't like to be called that" came the reply.

I considered having my knob looked at before I left, but thought better of it.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Hashing

I lost my hashing virginity yesterday.

For the unaware, hashing is running (usually through the countryside) following a trail of flour set by the organiser. Different marks indicate false trails, regroup points etc.

I don't know if this is usual, but our lot only do it on a full moon. Depending on the time of year, this is in the dark. It all sounds a bit kinky and I was hoping some of the female runners were going to get their kit off. I'd even bought one of those head lamp that cavers use, but we finished before it got dark.

Sadly though, the most exciting thing that happened was me tripping over a tree root and nearly careering down a steep ravine.

I'm going again in 27 days time.

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Black Fountain

We worship the black fountain
We drink from it each day
We care not where it leads us
We care not how we pay

The day is surely coming
When the fountain starts to fall
The one that brings light, warmth and wealth
To people one and all
And when we see it falling
We’ll know that that’s the sign
To go like a blinkered racehorse
Dashing madly for the line

It comes as no surprise to us
We knew it couldn’t last
When those that claim to lead us
They started talking fast
When they moved towards the fountain
Banging drums of war
We knew it wasn’t peace and love
That they were looking for

We’ll all dash towards the fountain
Till it disappears from sight
The strong will crush the weak
In the final futile fight
And at the dark horizon
Back to the past we’ll run
Then we’ll turn towards our children
To tell them what we’ve done

Thursday, April 21, 2005

It's All Over

It's official! Labour will win the election.

Not that it was in much doubt, but the cap on it is The Sun pledging its support.

Tony Blair understands this and he must now be more smug that Mr Smug from Smugland. From the start he made it his business to toady up to the lovely Mr Murdoch.

Tough shit Mr Howard, but I never liked you anyway.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

It's All Arse

I must have another rant.

I went to London yesterday. I could have gone by car. I love driving. I even love sitting in traffic jams watching the other people picking their nose while I pick mine and listen to music. Or sing.

I thought I should do the decent thing and go by train. From Stroud to London, standard class, including the underground ticket was eighty quid. Eighty bleedin' quid! Plus another £2 for the Stroud car park.

The journey down there was ok except all I had to read was a copy of The Metro, which was shite. On the way back however the train went super-slow just outside Reading. Tannoy Man said it was because there was a slow train ahead which we couldn't overtake.

We arrived in Swindon 10 minutes late and the connecting train to Stroud had gone.

There's only one train a smegging hour between Swindon and Stroud. And this is during the rush hour! Someone might know, but there must be tens, maybe hundreds of times more people going from Swindon to Stroud via road than train. BECAUSE IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE, TOO INCONVENIENT AND THERE AREN'T, AND NEVER COULD BE ENOUGH TRAINS.

They laid on a bus which trundled its way to Stroud via Kemble. Total journey time was just short of four hours.

It's arse. All arse. Surely it's not just me who realises this?

You Missed It

My previous post advertised the sale on eBay of Paula Radcliffe's turd.

It has now been withdrawn.

The Product of Human Endeavour

It's amazing what you can buy on eBay these days.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Mistaken Interpretation

Mistaken interpretations can be funny.

Sometimes we avoid using the correct word in a situation because it comes with awful connotations. For instance, people often say "I lost my husband" (or he "passed away") when they mean he died. I try to avoid these terms.

Indeed, medical staff are trained not to use them when giving terrible news as the recipient, in a highly-emotional state may become confused and cling to any old hope thinking that the poor terminally ill bugger has been left on a trolley somewhere and, for the life of them, they can't remember where they put it.

I remember, a very long time ago, an article about a poor woman who had been murdered and dumped in a canal. Her torso was recovered minus arms and legs, and possibly head. The report ended:

However, she had not been interfered with.

This brings me to the biggest laugh I got at the club last night. I referred to a quote attributed to (possibly) Clare Rayner or some other agony aunt:

After my feature last week on premature ejaculation, this week my postbag's full of it.

Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Controversial Speed Cameras

Many people are objecting to this (with no reason, in my opinion).

The interesting thing is that I live near this stretch of motorway. I thought I noticed from the traffic reports that there was an unusually high number of accidents on it.

It seems that I must have been right. Which is odd as there's nothing I can see that's unusual about it.

It Might Work

We have tried and failed to get Lottery grant money. For instance, currently we are looking for fifty thousand quid to install a solar-powered roof.

Unsurprisingly, there are more claims for good causes than there is money to meet them. A thought suddenly struck me:

Why don't they give out Lottery money based on the Lottery itself?

They could say "Yes, Mr Goodcause, you can have your fifty thousand quid next Saturday, but only if the bonus ball is 36".

That way, they could approve 49 times as much money to be donated, Lady Luck having the final say.

They could even introduce a not-so-good-cause scheme. You might require a grant because, say, you were a bit skint. This wouldn't need to be approved. They could donate you a tenner if you matched three out of six balls.

There'd be a £1 administration fee, obviously.

I think I'm on to something.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Unforgiveable

How come this bloke hasn't been sacked?

They're shites, the whole lot of 'em.

Monday, April 11, 2005

April Fool?

If this had appeared on April 1st, I would have rumbled it straight away.

"It picks up word patterns, from which it can tell whether students' arguments are sound"

Do us a favour!

Sometimes I abandon all hope.

Political Decision

I went to a sort of Question Time in Stroud on Friday to meet all the candidates.

The Liberal Democrat was a buffoon.

The Tory was loud-mouthed and odious.

The most credible (by a margin) was the Labour bloke, who says all the right things, but refuses to leave the Party. I stood up and said I couldn't vote for him on account it being an vote for Tony Blair and implicit support for our despicable deeds in Iraq, something I will never forgive him for.

Due to a lack of anything better, I think I'll be voting Green. Maybe I'll do the fashionable thing and write "none of the above" on my paper.

Pathetic, but there you are.

Broadband - An Update

I have been asked to update you on my broadband situation.

Well, it arrived just about two weeks after they said it would. I haven't claimed compensation from BT for loss of service or for the premium rate calls I made. I could say that it's because I don't agree with the 'compensation culture', but if I'm honest, it's because I can't be arsed.

The two best things about broadband are:
  • I can listen to radio programmes I missed
  • The phone rings when I call home (sometimes, someone even answers it)

Friday, April 08, 2005

All Gone

Morris, Riley, Daimler, Triumph, Austin, Alvis, Austin-Healey, Rover, MG

All Gone.

Aspirations for unblemished paintwork; trips into the South Coast with headscarves and a wheelbrace; having Dad teach you in the family Austin; superior comptemtuous looks at the foreign imports; attempting a "bumble" in the back of her Mini.

I'll miss them all.

If more were like me, the funeral for Rover/MG would be better than the Pope's.

RIP

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

War With Iran

I believe that America is planning an attack on Iran; and soon.

It's not just me either. Read this article by Scott Ritter.

I also believe that both Tony Blair and Michael Howard would support America in this so-called "war on terrorism" which in reality is a desperate scramble for the world's remaining oil reserves.

The best way to avert this disaster is advanced publicity.

I know there are scammers and spammers out there. Maybe this is a scam. Maybe I'm wrong.

Whatever, I urge you to donate to bring this to wider attention.

Papal Clanger

I heard on the news last night that they're changing the method of announcing the new Pope.

Instead of just smoke, the smoke will be accompanied with bells.

Where's the fun in that?

Monday, April 04, 2005

Dead Pope

I'm glad the Pope has died.

Not that I wanted rid of him or anything, but if anyone has a passport to a five-star afterlife, it's him, and I wish him well with it.

No, the real reason I'm glad is because I can just remember the last time they elected a new Pope. In an age of global communications and mobile phones, there's something absolutely brilliant about telling the world the result using smoke signals.

The entire world's media will be focussed on a chimney asking:

What colour would you say that is?

I'm so looking forward to it.