Tuesday, December 13, 2005

A Drink With Ice Please

Last night my 17 year old daughter went to the ball in her posh, if skimpy frock.

Despite most of the attendees being under 18, alcohol was served and one of the girls had a bit of a binge as is de rigeur these days.

She got carted off to hospital. The reaction of "the management" was to throw the entire crowd out onto the street.

I went to pick her up (early) to the sight of dozens of tuxedos and skimpy frocks in the freezing cold.

Would you like ice with that?

The Terminator

Today, at least, he has lived up to his name.

Scientific Research

Bristol university has proved that fat people are happier than thin people.

This undoubtedly makes some people feel better. I wondered what other theories, if proved, would benefit people's lives.

I think they ought to prove that men with large cars have smaller willies.

The outcome of this would be for all men to buy smaller cars.

Just think of the saving in carbon emissions.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Content Problem

The firefighters have stopped fighting the fire at Hemel Hempstead.

The bloke on the radio said they were not sure what was in one of the tanks.

I thought the place as a storage depot. In which case its job is to, er, store stuff. One wonders at the conversation:

"What's in that tank?"

"Dunno. I think Fred may have put his sandwiches there, but he's on holiday. He should be back Friday".

Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor, the american comedian died recently.

I read his obituary today. He was married seven times to five women.

I reckon he must have had a sense of humour.

My friend suggested it may have been a bad memory for faces.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Pensioner

After much deliberation, at the age of 52, I have decided to become a pensioner.

I did it without consultation with my "financial advisor". Partly because every decision he has advised me to make has ended up (admittedly with the benefit of hindsight) as a wrong one. Also, I can't bear it. He says stuff that seems so sensible at the time but as soon as I walk out of the room, I can't remember a thing.

This doesn't, or at least shouldn't prevent me from looking for a job. This is still proceeding at a snail's pace.

I'm getting pretty good at the guitar though.

Martin Carthy

As a change from the usual, I went to see Martin Carthy at Corsham Folk club last night.

His idiosyncratic presentation style is a joy, with audible verbal grunts during his very folksy guitar instrumentals. As a budding performer, I find myself commenting on aspects of his performance that maybe others wouldn't.

The overwhelming feeling that came across was of assured, justified confidence. That and the fact that he had obviously done this many times before.

A great night at a very friendly club

Friday, December 02, 2005

Handbrake Heartbreak

I was driving my daughter to the bus this morning down a steep narrow hill (only one lane in either direction).

A car from the opposite direction had stopped on the steepest part of the hill. A queue of several cars had formed behind it. As I passed, I asked the driver, a woman, if she had a problem.

"I can't get the hang of the handbrake" she said, "I can't pull away".

I offered to do the hill start for her, and she immediately agreed. I therefore put my hazard flashers on and jumped out of my car into hers leaving my car to block the other half of the road.

It turns out the car was brand spanking new. She was driving it for the very first time. It was a Renault (a Scenic I think) and had manual transmission.

My first question was "where's the handbrake?". It didn't seem to have one.

It was then that she pointed to an electric switch on the dashboard with a light on it. I pressed the switch. The light went off, and so did the handbrake. The brand new car started rolling backwards towards the car behind. I caught the thing on the footbrake. I then though "bugger it" and did a "heel and toe" start with the footbrake.

I didn't have time to understand how the bloody thing was supposed to work. It struck me afterwards that if you did want to control the handbrake with electronics (seems a daft idea to me), then it should prevent the car from rolling backwards (but allow it to roll forwards) when in a forward gear with the engine running (and the opposite for reverse). This didn't seem to be how it worked.

Why do they have to arse about with something as simple as a handbrake?